The Crash of the Charismatic and the Aging Contemplative
By Doreen Corwith Eckert, Jennifer Swets, and Molly Metzger
Before we dig into Doreen and Jennifer’s story, I wanted to offer a little history. When CPY’s first network of teachers gathered in 2001, there were few resources for Christians who felt called to practice and teach. Most teachers received training from a traditional North American yoga school (Yoga Alliance, now mainstream, had just come onto the scene two years earlier, in 1999) and then discerned how to prudently and respectfully integrate their Christian worldview into their teaching.
Among the first retreatants were two Catholic priests, two Protestant ministers, three psychotherapists, a medical doctor, a spiritual director, and a retreat center program director. Roughly half had graduate degrees in theology. The 18 teachers had a common experience: they’d found faith-based yoga through one of Fr. Tom Ryan’s Prayer of Heart and Body Retreats (offered from 1994 – 1999) and felt a calling to offer something similar in their home communities. After a few years of teaching, they expressed a sense of isolation. They desired mutual support and “an opportunity to share with others both the joys and cutting-edge challenges of their work.” There was no website, board, or formal organization of any kind. There was only an expressed need, a mailing list, Fr. Tom’s initiative, and a volunteer to organize a retreat “of the people and by the people.”
This story references CPY’s 8th biennial teacher’s retreat, held in 2016. By this time, the network of Christians who practiced and taught yoga had grown substantially. Resources for those with a calling to practice and teach faith-based yoga had grown in leaps and bounds as yoga schools with specifically Christian orientations and worldviews sprang forth and many new teachers emerged. These included New Day Yoga, YogaFaith, Yahweh Yoga, and Holy Yoga, centered within the Evangelical Christian streams. Lourdes Institute of Wholistic Studies and Ignatian Yoga came from the Catholic tradition. Yogadevotion was offered from the mainline Protestant stream.
CPY was still, in 2016, a network of individual teachers who gathered for support every two years. It was also a website hosting a collection of writings from a few within the network, maintained by Renee Prymus. The only expense was the domain name! If CPY existed in the world as anything beyond the small network, it was simply a testament to yoga’s possibility in the life of a Christian.
Primarily a word-of-mouth affair even in 2016, the retreat organizers continued with the original mission and format, inviting Christians who taught yoga to come to a retreat. 2016 turned out to be the largest teachers retreat to date, with 43 teachers from 22 states and 2 Canadian provinces. 24 people attended for the first time! After this retreat, it became clear that as an organization, CPY had not yet developed the capacity to serve the needs of so many new teachers and the true demands of ecumenism.
Enjoy the story!
The Crash of the Charismatic and the Aging Contemplative
Doreen
We met at the biennial teacher’s retreat. We both had hopes and expectations. She came as a new-to-teaching-yoga first timer accompanied by the director of an emerging charismatic Christian yoga school. I returned as a long-time-teacher – an aging Protestant comfortable with the Catholic contemplative style. I was tired and stressed-out, wishing for some quiet rest and healing within what was always a safe, comfortable routine. I loved the twice daily slow, gentle Christ-centered yoga asana and pranayama practices, always followed by 20 minutes of silent meditation; the lovely morning and evening prayer services where we chanted Taize-style or the Psalms in call and response; and the 12 hours of Grand Silence overnight through breakfast. Sometimes, during discussions, we had to sit with painful distances in interpretation, but we mostly were able to hold tension with intention.
After 15 years of meeting like this, in 2016, another stream of Christ’s followers splashed intensely into the river. Like two active rivers wildly converging, we crashed into our own edges, water spraying everywhere, eventually landing back within the safe embankments of the Holy River, (Jesus).
Jennifer
Yoga, Christ, community, Holy Spirit, prayer were words that popped from the screen as I read about an upcoming retreat called Oak Ridge (named after the original meeting site) at Graymoor Spiritual Center in upstate New York. “Christians Practicing Yoga.” Hey! That’s me! These are my people! Oak Ridge Retreat here I come.
I was so excited….
But as soon as I got there I thought, “I’ve made a mistake. This isn’t for me and these are not my people.” I can’t explain it. Maybe it was my insecurity. Maybe it was the energy of the room. But for some reason, standing at the check in desk, these feelings of being a round peg trying to fit in a square hole were raging. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and anchored myself with the mantra that God brought me here for a reason. Once I fixed my attitude I looked over the schedule, and another wave of “this is definitely not my group” washed over me. Ecumenical? I didn’t know I’d need a dictionary to decipher the schedule. Liturgy. Remind me what that is again? Mass. Oh, no: my non-denominational, evangelical brain can’t process all of this.
And top it off with 20 minutes of silent meditation after slow, contemplative, gentle to moderate movement! They should have led with that on the brochure! Ummmm… Did I mention I volunteered to teach this group? The registration form asked for volunteers and I thought, absolutely! I love teaching yoga, but the class I’m teaching is the complete opposite of all of that!
I’m out. I want to go home. This is going to be a hot mess. Checking for flights out of here right now. Damn wi-fi in these parts. Maybe I can walk to town and find a hot spot, internet cafe, carrier pigeon, something, anything to book a flight out of here!
Truth be told, anytime I leave my family and house, I have an inner tantrum and want to go home as soon as I reach my destination. So I told myself to give it time.
Although I have been practicing yoga or the asana part of yoga on and off for 20 years, I was a newly trained yoga teacher and was excited that I could yoke/blend my faith and yoga. Gentle yoga…..ok. Quiet time after the last evening session that lasts until after breakfast? Who are these people? I guess I had visions of like-minded yogis gathering together late at night to share stories and compare experiences. I had no aversion to quiet and stillness; as a homeschool mom of 4 I seek that out, but movement and music is where God and I commune. And maybe deep down I felt I was not experienced enough: a Christian who practices yoga, but not experienced enough in either. Perhaps I felt intimidated to connect with God in the stillness.
That oh-so small voice in my head told me to take a breath, calm down, get a good night’s sleep and see how I felt in the morning. The next morning I was rested and clear headed. I was excited to be teaching. I love holding space for my students and bringing them into full body worship. I had a renewed spirit going into breakfast.
Then, as I walked into the room to teach, I took a good look around. I saw people whose yoga mats were older than my teaching certificate. And there were 2 priests in the room. Talk about pressure! This newbie yoga teacher was to guide people into full body worship with the two men who are trailblazers on the practice. I took a breath and remembered my calling to come here. I prayed that God would give me the words to minister to those in the room. For the music to touch their soul. And for Jesus to meet them on the mat. What could go wrong?
I wanted to use a sequence that would move their body more than the gentle yoga that we had been doing. I wanted them to experience a different style/type of yoga. I chose a sequence of alignment-based postures that would get people out of their minds and into their bodies. That’s what this retreat is about, right? We’ll use yoga to open the body up to worship and contemporary Christian music to move us into full mind-body-spirit worship on the mat. How could anyone complain about this?
Doreen
My mat felt like a battle ground that day. Jennifer led us in a vigorous athletic-style posture class barking commands over really LOUD CHRISTIAN ROCK music. "Down dog. Up dog. Move to Warrior one. Keep going.”
I felt lost. I could hardly stay in the room. To manage my rising anxiety, I desperately wanted to leave, but my training taught me that it is very rude to leave in the middle of a class. Already on edge from a challenging workshop earlier that day, from a different new participant, and feeling bombarded with heavy marketing tools, I felt so out of place. I knew several other long-timers felt uncomfortable with how the day was going too. We had spoken earlier and would again after class. I thought to myself, “maybe this is not my group of kindred spirits anymore.”
Jennifer
During class I could tell some people were keeping up, others were challenging themselves and others honored their bodies and paused. But there was one lady, off to the side…wearing socks, clenching her jaw, who kept giving me the death stare…
Doreen
Still wearing socks because I did not feel safe and wanted to FLEE, I kept giving her a death stare and hoped she would tone down the noise. In my head I was thinking, “this definitely is not my group anymore.”
Suddenly, I heard through the cacophony of music… "This is mine too.”
What?
Jesus spoke to me, and that is what He said. Clear and calm. "This is mine too. So stop resisting and go with it. Enter into the music and move.”
So I did. I tried to move with the LOUD music. To hear the words, to experience my body and the singing in a new way, to allow Jesus to be more in my awareness. Still, it was hard to let go of my expectations.
Jennifer
When class was done several people came up to me to say it was wonderful. They never had a class like that before. Where did I get my readings?
Doreen
Meanwhile, I was gathering with a few old-timers to whisper about how we felt tumbled about by the changes in tone and speed of the day’s events. We did not expect this. What do we do about it? One leader suggested we rearrange some of the next-day events to bring the retreat ‘back on course’.
Jennifer
I also saw a few people gathering, heads together, whispering, and looking my way… And I couldn’t get “Sock Lady’s” stare out of my memory. My insecurity told me what I’d already told myself. They see me as a round peg in a square hole. I was pretty sure they were planning to kick me out. This is definitely not my group.
That night I could not sleep. Finally at 3 am I got up and went to the chapel on our dorm floor. I cried out to the Lord, “Why did you bring me here? This is nothing like I expected. This is nothing I wanted. I left my (4) babies for 6 days for this? Catholic? I didn’t know that the majority were not Protestants. I can't do mass. It will bring up too much.” (My priests growing up were wonderful men, the church served me well, but trauma surrounding my mother is rooted in Sunday morning mass.)
The Lord let me have my temper tantrum and gnashing of teeth and ripping of garments. When I finally settled down my vision focused like a laser beam on the icons and stained glass of the chapel. These sights were a comfort to me growing up. My breath slowed. My anger and disappointment dissipated. Calm washed over me.
Then I heard a soft-small voice.
“I brought you here for my plans, not yours.”
Holy Spirit slap down. Mic drop.
This is His too.
With a humbled heart I repented of my selfishness and asked God to show me His plans. The Spirit spoke to my heart. No words, just a sense of peace. A sense to stop resisting and abide in knowing this is all His too. I realized that I needed what CPY had to offer and they needed what I had to give. The Lord spoke to me and said that sock lady and I were more alike than different. In that moment I laid down my pride and decided to approach her with an open and humble heart.
Doreen
The next morning after chapel, I was led to pull Jennifer aside and talk to her for the first time. I gathered my courage, obeyed the This is mine too, and I told her what I heard during her class. I remember her saying she also was so uncomfortable and felt she didn’t belong here. We hugged and talked about our experiences so far during the retreat.
Jennifer
During our encounter after morning chapel, a seed was planted. I didn’t know where this was leading: annual girlfriend weekends in the Bahamas? Facebook friends? or simply a cease fire agreement the next time our paths crossed. However, I knew that opening up and telling her I felt uncomfortable was the beginning. In that moment, I felt the Holy Spirit impress on my heart the need to reconcile with this sister in faith and to lay the groundwork of unity. After the retreat, back home in a familiar setting with my familiar friends and familiar faith-based community, I knew that CPY was a safe place for me to feel this discomfort and to accept it for what it is, a place for me to grow and challenge my faith and practice.
Doreen
After the retreat we had no contact. Years passed. Once I got more skilled around my discomfort, I friended her on social media. Then death stare sock lady and loud Christian music lover reunited in person at the 2022 Indy Retreat. We greeted each other with a hug, and in that silence we felt that deeper Christ connection, beyond our individual personalities. God’s message of this is mine too called us towards unity.
There are a variety of gifts, but always the same Spirit.
- 1 Corinthians 12:1
The body is one, even though it has many parts; all the parts … comprise a single body. And so it is with Christ.
- 1 Corinthians 12:12
And to some, the gift they were given is that they should be apostles; to some, prophets; to some, evangelists; to some pastors and teachers. These gifts were given to equip fully the holy ones for the work of service, and to build up the body of Christ - until we all attain unity in our faith and in our knowledge of the Only Begotten of God, until we become mature, attaining to the whole measure of the fullness of Christ.
- Ephesians 4:11-13 Inclusive Bible
In the 7 years since that retreat, CPY has been coming to terms with and learning how to better support its ecumenical calling. We moved slowly, intentionally, acknowledging and owning the tensions with a vision to heal the divides.
On the last night of the retreat, we performed a skit about our first meeting. Enjoy!
CPY: Responding to a New Calling
As we envisioned and organized the non-profit, CPY took the lessons of the past and sought a theologically diverse board, retreat team, and blog community. We challenged ourselves to better define who we are and even why we still exist when there are so many other, more “comfortable” resources. I don’t know how many times I got on a call with another volunteer thinking, “This may be it, we are done here,'' only to find some new resource or person or energy leading us on. I’m not always sure why we exist, but something keeps telling us we must.
We recognize the demand to grow as a fully ecumenical organization. As volunteers we are never quite sure how to go about that, but what we lack in training we make up for in the earnestness of our pursuit. Still, we’ve found many efforts failed our test: people could still find themselves feeling left out or uncomfortable with something we offer.
We’ve come to realize this: If we are to meet the needs of an ecumenical group, we have to come to terms with the very nature of ecumenism. Under Katrina’s Woodworth’s leadership and Fr. Tom’s mentorship, we’ve come to see that discomfort with other worldviews is the reality of diversity. CPY’s role is not to eliminate discomfort, but to build a community of people willing to hold space for their own tension, and the tensions of their brothers and sisters, in the name of unity. Yoga is one practice that can heal and unite us. Learn more about how we are finding unity in diversity.